The End of Transition
+19/04/2025
+
+ + On 11/04/2025 I finally got 'the op.' And I feel some kinda + way about it. +
++ This is gonna be quite a personal entry, as you might imagine. + And while I wander into a lot of personal thoughts and + feelings generally in my entries, this is closer than most, + and the physical and mental scars are still fresh. So bear + with me. +
++ I've been in the gender care system in the UK for roughly a + decade at this point. That's charting from first referral from + my GP. It took about 5 years from that point to get seen by + Notts GIC, a year to be put on hormones, and around 4 more to + finally be slapped on to an operating table. Let's be clear. + This is an unacceptable amount of time for a person to wait + for life-saving treatment. +
++ And it is life-saving. I'm not sure surgery specifically was + for me, more on that in a bit, but the myriad dysphorias that + come with being trans are huge risk factors. Getting on HRT + was life-saving for me, certainly. If I hadn't had a very + loving partner to help me through the early years I likely + wouldn't have hit that 6 year mark when I could finally begin + it 'officially.' +
++ DIYing is commonplace of course, but when I began my + transition, I was alone and scared and didn't know a single + other trans person who could have helped me access hormones. + So the Legal Route was the only way I could do it. +
++ For anyone beginning transition today, all I can say is: do + not wait. Break the law and biohack your body. If you live in + the UK, our healthcare is only getting worse. There is still + time. +
++ But yeah. Surgery. I've never had major surgery before. I + didn't know what to expect going in. The care I received at + Nuffield Brighton was exemplary from start to finish and is a + huge reason I didn't panic, but I still panicked a + bit, especially after we ended up waiting for around 5 + hours between check-in and actual surgery time. The + anaesthetist gave me an epidural, which very nearly made me + feint (bad!) but I didn't because the other anaesthetist held + on to me very tightly (good!). Then I got put to sleep for 3 + hours, woke up in recovery, chatted shit about chocolate bars + and got wheeled back to my ward. +
++ I say ward. Private hospital, so it was a private room, + swanky. I think that was good overall? But I did feel pretty + lonely when all the various healthcare people had done their + morning rounds and there was still multiple hours before Cat + could come visit. +
++ That first evening after surgery was pretty chill by virtue of + still being stoned from the epidural and the anaesthetic. The + first two days after surgery sucked. I wasn't allowed to get + up, so was on my back all day, which it turns out gives you + horrendous trapped wind. Which also really, really hurts. Pain + from my surgery was actually fairly minimal, most pain I had + those first few days was wind. Bodies are so stupid. +
++ Then the next day I was sitting up, and walking, and + showering, and I saw her for the first time. If you're a + friend, you've probably already seen the photos. If you + haven't, ask me if you're curious and I'll DM you. It's a + medical miracle, honestly. Hats off to my surgeon, Mr. Larner, + he can really invert a penis. +
++ Then I was packed off home for two weeks housebound, with a + further 6-8 weeks of recovery after that. And that's the lot. + I'm officially at the end of the gender clinic pipeline. +
++ And now, I feel kinda strange. So much of my life has been + defined by this journey. The waiting, the phone calls, the + fighting and pain and misery of battling a system designed to + gatekeep as many people from transitioning as possible. I won. + And my prize is to just... live my life. +
++ It's... weird. Discombobulating. I think I feel really adrift + right now. Being cooped up in the house 24/7 doesn't help of + course, but I feel purposeless. I've been playing a lot of + Blue Prince, and it honestly kinda feels like the run after + reaching 46. The goal has been achieved, the crown sits atop + your head. So what next? +
++ Living my life is next, I guess. The popular concept of + transition is largely medical, and while I have been socially + transitioned for a long, long time, I'm interested what doors + surgery will open for me. I suddenly feel safer, for one, even + despite the country I live in. If some odious terf decides to + genital inspect me, then well... they're gonna be surprised. +
++ And while for me my dick never caused me enormous amounts of + dysphoria, I'm excited about what new opportunities I have + now. I can wear leggings without a skirt. I can go swimming + with no worries. I can have lots of weird, new and exciting + sex. The world is bright and wide and I am very lucky to be + able to experience a whole new side of it. +
++ So I'm choosing not to see this as an end. This is a new + beginning, and I'm sat in Ube-Shinkawa Station, ready for the + world. I just hope it's ready for me. +
++ I made an alternative image for this entry, because much like + Eva this is both an ending and a beginning. I think I like the + pun in this one more. + Please enjoy. +
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