entries/transition.html

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  34               <h3 class="blog-title">The End of Transition</h3>
  35               <h3 class="datestamp">19/04/2025</h3>
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  39                 <img class="blog-img-lrg" src="../img/entries/transition.png" />
  40                 <p>
  41                   On 11/04/2025 I finally got 'the op.' And I feel some kinda
  42                   way about it.
  43                 </p>
  44                 <p>
  45                   This is gonna be quite a personal entry, as you might imagine.
  46                   And while I wander into a lot of personal thoughts and
  47                   feelings generally in my entries, this is closer than most,
  48                   and the physical and mental scars are still fresh. So bear
  49                   with me.
  50                 </p>
  51                 <p>
  52                   I've been in the gender care system in the UK for roughly a
  53                   decade at this point. That's charting from first referral from
  54                   my GP. It took about 5 years from that point to get seen by
  55                   Notts GIC, a year to be put on hormones, and around 4 more to
  56                   finally be slapped on to an operating table. Let's be clear.
  57                   This is an unacceptable amount of time for a person to wait
  58                   for life-saving treatment.
  59                 </p>
  60                 <p>
  61                   And it is life-saving. I'm not sure surgery specifically was
  62                   for me, more on that in a bit, but the myriad dysphorias that
  63                   come with being trans are huge risk factors. Getting on HRT
  64                   was life-saving for me, certainly. If I hadn't had a very
  65                   loving partner to help me through the early years I likely
  66                   wouldn't have hit that 6 year mark when I could finally begin
  67                   it 'officially.'
  68                 </p>
  69                 <p>
  70                   DIYing is commonplace of course, but when I began my
  71                   transition, I was alone and scared and didn't know a single
  72                   other trans person who could have helped me access hormones.
  73                   So the Legal Route was the only way I could do it.
  74                 </p>
  75                 <p>
  76                   For anyone beginning transition today, all I can say is: do
  77                   not wait. Break the law and biohack your body. If you live in
  78                   the UK, our healthcare is only getting worse. There is still
  79                   time.
  80                 </p>
  81                 <p>
  82                   But yeah. Surgery. I've never had major surgery before. I
  83                   didn't know what to expect going in. The care I received at
  84                   Nuffield Brighton was exemplary from start to finish and is a
  85                   huge reason I didn't panic, but I still panicked a
  86                   <i>bit,</i> especially after we ended up waiting for around 5
  87                   hours between check-in and actual surgery time. The
  88                   anaesthetist gave me an epidural, which very nearly made me
  89                   feint (bad!) but I didn't because the other anaesthetist held
  90                   on to me very tightly (good!). Then I got put to sleep for 3
  91                   hours, woke up in recovery, chatted shit about chocolate bars
  92                   and got wheeled back to my ward.
  93                 </p>
  94                 <p>
  95                   I say ward. Private hospital, so it was a private room,
  96                   swanky. I think that was good overall? But I did feel pretty
  97                   lonely when all the various healthcare people had done their
  98                   morning rounds and there was still multiple hours before Cat
  99                   could come visit.
 100                 </p>
 101                 <p>
 102                   That first evening after surgery was pretty chill by virtue of
 103                   still being stoned from the epidural and the anaesthetic. The
 104                   first two days after surgery sucked. I wasn't allowed to get
 105                   up, so was on my back all day, which it turns out gives you
 106                   horrendous trapped wind. Which also really, really hurts. Pain
 107                   from my surgery was actually fairly minimal, most pain I had
 108                   those first few days was wind. Bodies are so stupid.
 109                 </p>
 110                 <p>
 111                   Then the next day I was sitting up, and walking, and
 112                   showering, and I saw her for the first time. If you're a
 113                   friend, you've probably already seen the photos. If you
 114                   haven't, ask me if you're curious and I'll DM you. It's a
 115                   medical miracle, honestly. Hats off to my surgeon, Mr. Larner,
 116                   he can really invert a penis.
 117                 </p>
 118                 <p>
 119                   Then I was packed off home for two weeks housebound, with a
 120                   further 6-8 weeks of recovery after that. And that's the lot.
 121                   I'm officially at the end of the gender clinic pipeline.
 122                 </p>
 123                 <p>
 124                   And now, I feel kinda strange. So much of my life has been
 125                   defined by this journey. The waiting, the phone calls, the
 126                   fighting and pain and misery of battling a system designed to
 127                   gatekeep as many people from transitioning as possible. I won.
 128                   And my prize is to just... live my life.
 129                 </p>
 130                 <p>
 131                   It's... weird. Discombobulating. I think I feel really adrift
 132                   right now. Being cooped up in the house 24/7 doesn't help of
 133                   course, but I feel purposeless. I've been playing a lot of
 134                   Blue Prince, and it honestly kinda feels like the run after
 135                   reaching 46. The goal has been achieved, the crown sits atop
 136                   your head. So what next?
 137                 </p>
 138                 <p>
 139                   Living my life is next, I guess. The popular concept of
 140                   transition is largely medical, and while I have been socially
 141                   transitioned for a long, long time, I'm interested what doors
 142                   surgery will open for me. I suddenly feel safer, for one, even
 143                   despite the country I live in. If some odious terf decides to
 144                   genital inspect me, then well... they're gonna be surprised.
 145                 </p>
 146                 <p>
 147                   And while for me my dick never caused me enormous amounts of
 148                   dysphoria, I'm excited about what new opportunities I have
 149                   now. I can wear leggings without a skirt. I can go swimming
 150                   with no worries. I can have lots of weird, new and exciting
 151                   sex. The world is bright and wide and I am very lucky to be
 152                   able to experience a whole new side of it.
 153                 </p>
 154                 <p>
 155                   So I'm choosing not to see this as an end. This is a new
 156                   beginning, and I'm sat in Ube-Shinkawa Station, ready for the
 157                   world. I just hope it's ready for me.
 158                 </p>
 159                 <div class="tooltip">
 160                   さようなら、すべての移行.
 161                   <div class="tooltiptext">Goodbye, all of transition.</div>
 162                 </div>
 163
 164                 <p class="footnote">
 165                   I made an alternative image for this entry, because much like
 166                   Eva this is both an ending and a beginning. I think I like the
 167                   pun in this one more.
 168                   <a href="../img/entries/transition-alt.png">Please enjoy.</a>
 169                 </p>
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